Handheld Hell

I am usually one to embrace modern technology. I like all the fancy gadgets available that are supposed to simplify our lives and the ones that are just kinda cool. There are several new fangled gizmo's that I use through out my day but there is one that I believe to be the workings of the devil himself. Papa Bears high tech universal remote and I DO NOT get along.

It is a lovely looking little contraption. It is the perfect size and shape to comfortably hold in your hand. It has a screen that allows you to load a picture or image as a background to personalize your remote. On that same screen is your list of activities the remote has been programmed to control. It first glance it seems completely harmless.

According to the directions and Papa Bears instructions, you are supposed to be able to touch just one single button to turn on everything you need to watch or listen to a specified component with the TV. Just one single button. Just one. This NEVER happens... OK, I guess I shouldn't say never. Let's say 99% of the time this doesn't happen. There is that 1% surprise that randomly pops up. Those are the times I should be buying lottery tickets because it just seems to be dumb luck when the Devil's Wand actually performs as it should.

Just once I would like the repetitive request of "Mama, Handy Manny. Handy Manny, Mama. Mama, Handy Manny" to be granted with just 1 button. This Never happens... I have tried...several times... After shaking the sh..-heck out of the stupid thing just to get it to power up (the battery doesn't fit properly in its slot and the piece of cardboard helping to hold it in place sometimes shifts) I push the "Watch Shaw Direct" and the TV comes on proceeded by several beeps and lights but alas, no Handy Manny. Now the simple thing to do would be push power and start again or just turn on the things that didn't turn on manually but no. Papa Bear says that when I do that it screws it up. Take a look man! It already IS screwed up! Its just one little screwy screwball of screwed up crap!

To avoid "screwing it up" I have to push the "Help" button. Really? Help turning on the TV? And this is supposed to be more convenient than turning everything on manually? I wouldn't require "help" with that. Pushing the "Help" button now sends me to what seems like a never ending list of questions I must answer. I'm not so good with quizzes at 7:30 in the freaking morning but that is what I must do. "Is the TV on?"
I press "yes".
"Did this fix the problem?"
"No".
"Is the Shaw Direct on?"
"Yes".
"Did this fix the problem?"
"No". "Is the DVD/CD on?"
"Yes".
"Did this fix the problem?"
"No"
"Is the Audio/Video on?"
"Yes".
"Did this fix the problem?"
"No".
" Is the TV tuned to Component 2?"
....and then it goes through asking if each of those items are tuned to their required settings. Ughhhhhhhhhh. I just want Handy freaking Manny - preferably before it is over!

Papa Bear thinks it is just me that can't work the POS (piece of stuff) but the truth is HE is the only one that CAN work it. My friend, Sketch babysat once and had to go through the list of "help". Sketch is quite electronically literate and had trouble with it. My Dad, who also enjoys gadgets made it work but not without a few kinks. It is definitely not just me. Little Bear tries and seems to have more luck than me but not even half the time he attempts.

I am seriously starting to think Papa Bear has placed that Handheld Hell in my living room to drive me further insane than I am already. I don't know how much more I can take before I drop kick the Dastardly Demon remote through the front of Papa Bear's beloved TV.