Ahhhhhhh, A/C

I hate to sweat. I would much rather be freezing cold than even a little bit hot. When you are cold you can always put on more clothing, when you are hot you can only take so much off (without scaring other people anyway). This is why I can not live without air conditioning.

Air conditioning is a requirement for any house I live in or car I drive. Four walls and A/C and we're good, four wheels and A/C and we're good. I don't have it cranked to some ridiculous temperature that might turn my family into ice cubes, just a nice comfortable 74 degrees Fahrenheit is about right.

The first apartment X and I ever lived in was without air. It was our first summer in our first apartment that I purchased our first window air conditioner. The great big giant white box pumped all kinds of ice cold air into the tiny apartment cooling X, Roger the cat and I and making me a much happier lady.

My first car, a 1982 AMC Concord, dark green with baby poop brown interior, did not have air conditioning. The dark green paint helped to heat the little crap box up to a nice 110 degrees or better in the summer. Thankfully it had nice plush seats instead of vinyl or I may have been melted to them permanently. The most clothing I could ever wear to go for a drive was a bathing suit and a pair of shorts. It was brutal.

I feel sorry for all those poor bastards sweating it away all day and not sleeping at night. If I didn't have air conditioning (hypothetically speaking of course since that would never happen) I would spend my day at a coffee shop nursing the same soda for hours and soaking in their glorious artificial cool.

Or we could make an overly extended trip to Walmart. As long I buy something they can't kick me out can they? Yeah, I think Walmart would work best. Kids could take naps in the cart, on pillows that I "might purchase". I could visit with people I haven't seen in a while (I always run into these people when I go in to grab something quick). I could price compare any and all items I might purchase with my cell phone and save a bundle. Most Walmarts have a McDonalds in them so we would be set for meals as well.

Lord help me...or my in laws if my air conditioning breaks because I'll be moving in with them or who ever will take me until it is fixed...I will not sweat. It is not an option. Now will you excuse me, I need to go get a sweater.

Potty Training Impossible

My oldest son potty trained at 2.5 years old. He was super easy to train and gave me a false sense that potty training itself was an easy process. Oh, how wrong that would turn out to be.

Fuzzy will be 3 in November. At the rate we are going with potty training he will be going to high school in diapers. Everyone told me that he would be easier to train than Little Bear because he would see his big brother using the toilet and wearing “big boy underwear” and would want to do the same....This has not been the case.

Fuzzy refuses to even consider using the toilet. He doesn’t seem to be afraid of it. He just doesn’t want to use it. He also has no interest in standing to pee which was a big deal to Little Bear when he was training so I purchased a potty chair. He will pee on the potty chair but not with any kind of regularity (not the kind of regularity that has to do with bran).

When I change his diaper I always ask if he wants to go pee on the potty. Sometimes he says yes and sometimes he says no. When he says yes he actually goes and I think “great. We are actually going to get this” and then I put a fresh diaper on and he goes again...

I ask him throughout the day if he would like to go pee on the potty and he almost always answers “I already did”.
By “I already did” he means “I already took a giant crap and have been marinating in it for the last 5 minutes”.
When I ask why he didn’t tell Mommy he had to go he either stares blankly at me or repeats “I already did”.

Fuzzy also has no interest in “big boy underwear”. With Little Bear wearing real underwear seemed to be the ticket to getting him to use the toilet instead of peeing his pants. Even though the thought of putting Fuzzy in underwear because of the number of times that boy poops in a day and the thought of cleaning crap out of underwear several times a day gives me the heebie geebies I am willing to give it a try if it means he will train quicker. However, when I ask him if he wants to wear “big boy underwear” like Little Bear he always says “no”.

Further discouraging is the fact I have several friends that have kids, boys at that who are the same age and well on their way of being potty trained. If we don’t get moving on training, Wee One is going to train before Fuzzy. Come on Fuzzy I’m about done with doing diaper duty for 2.

Practice Makes Perfect

I think Papa Bear is trying to get fired from diaper duty. I guess I should be happy that he helps at all since so many men have diaper phobia. Since we currently have 2 in diapers, unless I’m going to do nothing but change diapers all day long, I need the help.

This morning he suited up Fuzzy in a fresh diaper and released him into the house. Not long after Fuzzy climbed into Wee One’s playpen to play he climbed back out and came to me with poop sliding down his leg to tell me that he pooped in the playpen. There was a serious diaper malfunction and Fuzzy got a shower only half hour after his bath.

Papa Bear fitted Fuzzy with another fresh diaper and set him free again. While digging through Fuzzy’s dresser for clothes to dress him I distinctly heard the sound of liquid hitting laminate. I turned around to see Fuzzy standing behind me in a puddle of urine with a look on his face as confused as mine. When I changed this diaper I found that his penis was not enclosed in the diaper at all but sticking out the leg hole. What the heck Papa Bear?

If Papa Bear’s plan is to be removed from this duty he is going to be sadly disappointed. He obviously needs MORE practice so I think he should take over the job completely until he is a pro...like me :).

I don’t think this is the first time Papa Bear has tried to get fired from a less than pleasant task by displaying shoddy skill at that task. We have a similar issue when it comes to folding laundry...or rather ROLLing laundry as Papa Bear prefers to do.

We have 5 people living in our house and 5 people generate a lot of laundry. A lot of laundry means a lot of folding so similar to the diaper issue if only one of us is responsible for folding laundry they're not going to have much time for anything else. This being said I refuse to wear a piece of clothing that is so wrinkly it looks like I have been sleeping in it for a week.

I believe he has been applying this “do a crap job and get fired” method to get out of other jobs like taking out the garbage and sweeping the floor as well. Sorry Papa Bear but I’m not going to fire you I’m only going to “help” you get more practice. After all practice makes perfect...like me :).

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Ugly In The Cradle, Pretty At The Table?

Have you ever seen a baby that is just...less attractive than most,...attractively challenged,...or just plain butt ugly? You don't have to lie, I'm pretty sure everyone has come across a Baby Egor or two in their time.

What's worse than an ugly baby? Parents of an ugly baby who don't know that they indeed have an ugly baby. They post their pictures on Facebook and send them to their friends and family via email without being the wiser. "Oh isn't she just a cutie?". How the heck are you supposed to answer that? This is one of those few times when it is recommended that you lie your face off. Stay calm, DO NOT let the "No" escape your lips or let out a scream.

These homely little beings get entered into baby contests and have their picture displayed on Grandma's wall for visitors to be subjected to. They are dressed up in frills and lace but come on you can't disguise a turkey as a swan.

It's not the baby's fault they didn't ask for the less than stellar genetics. They are just victims of poor meshing of genes. Poor little ugly buggers.

Someone once said to me "ugly in the cradle means pretty at the table" (she was also famous for asking "Do I look like I jut fell off the turnip truck?"). I have heard her say this a few times about a few babies but have not actually seen the results she predicted. Usually "ugly in the cradle" results in a homely looking toddler, youngster, and teenager.

Of course I can not relate to these parents of ugly babies since I, myself have 3 of the most gorgeous boys ever. ;)

Die With a T

I have never been on a diet. Not that I shouldn't just that I don't have the will power to do it so why bother setting myself up for failure. I have the will power to quit smoking (thrice) but not to lose a couple of fifteen pounds. To me diet is DIE with a T.

I step on the scale every now and then with hopes of wishful shrinking but really I'm not surprised when there is no change to those ugly numbers. So I shove the scale way under the vanity so I can forget that I own one.

I love food. Love it. If I crave it, I eat. Its not like I'm anti vegetable or anything, I like carrot cake (Ha!). No seriously I really do like vegetables and fruits...it's just that I also really like potato chips, ice cream and bacon.

I'm also terrible for late night snacking. It's like I'm bored just sitting in front of the TV or computer so I need to fill my face. I know this is no good but I can't help it. I'm not very good at portion control either. I say (type) this as I finish off the other half of a bag of chips I opened yesterday...

I tried exercise but I don't really like to sweat. About the only exercise I would really be interested in would be swimming because the sweat gets washed about but due to my bathing suit issues this isn't likely to happen very often either. That leaves chasing my kids, doing housework and running around for 8 hours at a time at the Donut Shack as my only sources of exercise.

I was actually losing a tiny bit of weight doing the step aerobics and hula hooping on the Wii Fit but once the batteries died in the Wii Fit board that was the end of that. The Crazy Mamas planned on walking nightly or at least weekly but that plan never made lift off.

My new plan to make myself appear thinner is to discourage my friends from dieting and bake them lots of goodies so they get bigger creating an optical illusion that I am smaller.

Buzz Off!

Why do mosquitoes have to come out at the exact time that I most like to be outside? Dusk is my favourite time of day to sit out on my new deck and just hang out but before you know it they have you surrounded. They take turns dive bombing you and attacking from all angles.

Tonight I had the displeasure to get trapped in my van with 2 very aggressive mosquitoes. Damn things were trying to cause an accident. One got me in the leg and narrowly escaped getting mushed while the other went for my forehead. What the heck? There I was driving along our windy dirt road singing away and smacking myself. A sight to see I'm sure.

Chesty McBreasty (how do you find your way into so many of my blogs?) is a freak about mosquitoes. She will stand right up at the table in the coffee shop and yell "oh, oh, get it, get it, kill it, kill it" so that most of the people in the shop turn to see what in the world is wrong with her (we still aren't sure, we are waiting on the results of her evaluation).

Mosquitoes are not the easiest to kill. They fly in some sort of windy pattern, faking a left and going right. I don't even really like to kill them. Not because of some "save the mosquitoes" kind of protest but because it makes me want to vomit when you squish the little bugger just to find yourself splattered with blood that may or may not be your own.

I can't stand the smell of mosquito repellent either. The smell is one that is so strong that you can taste it as it chokes the air out of you. I've tried a bunch of other non repellent ways of deterring them. Some sort of work and some just don't.

Mosquitoes are just another reason way I prefer winter over summer. Frozen mosquitoes don't bite.