Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Freak Behind The Wheel

I don't like to admit to a lot of weaknesses. I know I have them I just like others to know I do. One of my biggest weaknesses is driving in cities.

I hate it. I turn into a freak. I get beyond nervous. Today I had to take Little Bear to an appointment in a city that I don't know all that well. I know where important places are like the mall and Wendy's are but I don't know how to get to the hospital or the place I was headed today.

I asked Papa Bear to drive but he didn't really want to take all three boys to the appointment. I wish he would have just granted my request and spared us both unleashing my inner freak.

It didn't help that I was told the wrong place first which was hard enough for me to find..even with Papa Bear on speaker phone to help navigate. The women behind the desk in the wrong place was not really very helpful in giving me directions either. She was just like "go to the lights at the corner whatever and whatever than make a left onto that street and go down and make a right onto another street and the place is on the corner of M street and M street". Oh, OK. Yeah still didn't have a clue where I was going.

I got back in the van and put Papa Bear back on speaker phone all the while starting to get quite wound up. There was construction everywhere because this is not difficult enough. I was breathing...well I think I was breathing...irregularly, gripping the steering wheel with white knuckles. My heart was pounding, my chest hurt, and my stomach was doing barrel rolls.

I was so glad that Little Bear was wearing a pair of headphones and watching a DVD in the far back seat so he didn't have a clue that he was a passenger on a crazy train.

I followed Papa Bear's directions until I got to the final intersection where the building was supposed to be on the corner. Two buildings in is NOT the corner. How can you say the building is on the corner when there is a variety store and a dry cleaner on the corner, next door to the building that everyone tells you is on the corner? It's not on the freaking corner! At least I finally got to my destination. Now I just needed to puke and everything would be good again.

What the heck is wrong with me? Why can't I just hope in the car and go? Whenever I have to go somewhere new I always Mapquest it ahead of time and plan out my route or if possible get someone else to drive me there so I have an idea of where I'm headed. I didn't do that today because I thought Papa Bear would give in and just drive me and that proved to be a mistake. I'm glad he made me do it on my own but it was still hell.

Some people are afraid of spiders or heights or things like that. I'm afraid of traffic. I've never been in an accident and I beetle around Stinkburg easily but in high traffic areas I am definitely a freak behind the wheel.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Creativity Constipation

I am suffering from some serious writer's block or 'creativity constipation' as I call it. I am finding it hard lately to put my adventures (and misadventures) into words to share and humor my readers. I'm less that pleased with my last few entries and apologize for their mediocracy.

It's not at all that I don't want to write because I LOVE to write. I love to hear other peoples reactions (both positive and negative) to what I write. I enjoy reading the comments and receiving the messages asking for the next post. I just seem to have lost my MOJO.

At first I thought I just needed some more excitement in my life. I realized quickly this was not the case. I just haven't been able to write down that excitement in a way that provides a giggle for others which really is the purpose of the blog. I think of catchy titles for my adventures and maybe a few anecdotes to share but not enough to fill an entry.

Maybe my "bigger" thinking is blocking my creative juices. I've been pondering a lot of things lately, like writing a book. A book I'm sure will take me fifteen years to write, that I will probably have to self publish and that only the Crazy Mamas and Papa Bear will buy (and probably half of them will read). I've been thinking a lot about putting some sort of stand up act together. Sometimes the things I'm trying to communicate with readers is something that is far more effective if told in person (complete with facial expressions and bad impressions).

Maybe it is other things that are over running my mind that is making it hard for me to come up with anything worthy of my readers time. I could write ten blog entries on the happenings at the Donut Shack but I am bound by in house policies and such. I could blog about my family ties that choke but then I just upset my father and risk being misinterpreted as some of the things my mother claims I am. I have some humorous takes on some hot topics but leave them written but unpublished to spare the feelings of some that are over sensitive.

Someone asked me the other day if I was going to continue writing to blog. I really want to and I am hoping my creative constipation can be cured with a dose of mental Pepto Bismol but for now I wait for things to flow easily again.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Scavenger Hunting From A-Z

The Crazy Mama Society held a scavenger hunt this past weekend. It was the third photo documented scavenger hunt we have held. We have so much fun during these events. There were four teams originally but unfortunately the fourth team was unable to hunt so there were just three. My team consisted of Chesty McBreasty, Sweet and Innocent (and her two week old, Mack) and myself.

Usually we have a list of about fifteen things to hunt for such as, pumping a stranger's gas or making a questionable purchase (I totally took that category last time with a cucumber and a tub of vasoline). This time some genius (OK, it was me) decided we should just hunt for the alphabet from A-Z. I don't know what I was thinking because this was the longest scavenger hunt EVER. Mind you we did have lunch and did a little shopping but it took our team almost three and a half hours to hunt.

A-Z is pretty broad. You would think this would make it easy but it seemed to be quite the opposite. You don't want to do the first thing that comes to mind because originality really matters and you don't want to get to complex because there just wasn't really that much time. For A we went with Chesty's bottom next to her husband's face for "a couple of A$$HOLES". B for "BADGIRLS with BANANAS" - we'll leave that one to the imagination. C for "CONDOMS" - actually turned out to be one of the most boring. D was for "DOGGY DO DO" - this required me to risk someone thinking they were funny and shoving my face into the pile of dog crap that I was pretending to lick". We used a "free head EXAM" sign for E. F was Sweet and Innocent giving the finger because, well that is so not her and it took us quite a few tries to get her to do it without a cute smile on her face. G was "GIRLY GHOSTS" which was Chesty and I with pink sheets over our heads, spooky. H was a very convincing "HICKEY" that Chesty painted onto Sweet and Innocent's neck with her Mary Kay. For I, I held boxes of Imodium diarrhea remedy while holding my stomach and "the backdoor". J was my attempt at "JUMPING rope" - It's been a while. Our K was weak and we settled for a picture in front of KFC. Lucky Charms and Lollipops for L. I'm not so proud that there is now a picture of me sitting on the toilet for "being PEEPED at while PEEING on the POTTY" for P. Q-tips in our nostrils, ears and mouth for Q. Our R was also weak and we used a big marble wheel in a park known as the Rotary Wheel. S was for "SOMBRERO" - according to Sweet and Innocent that is what Chinese people wear when they work in rice fields. Sorry Sweetie but you are thinking the wrong side of the world. Needless to say we have a picture of Sweet and Innocent doing an impression of a Chinese person wearing a Mexican sombrero. T was a picture of me wearing a pretty gross looking pair of fake teeth holding a tube of TOTAL TOOTHPASTE. For U I put on a pair of really ugly underwear from the dollarstore and sat under an umbrella. VIBRATOR for V. We made Chesty do this one because...frankly neither Sweet and Innocent or I would touch it. W was for "WORMS" that Chesty and I pretended to feed each other. X was the railroad crossing X which I'm sure half the town that passed Sweet and Innocent posing with X were wondering what the heck she was doing. Y was a YARD SALE which we even purchased from and finally Z was a picture consisting of a ZIPPER and a kielbasa.

For some of our pictures we blew the competition out of the water for others we fell short to things like "KIDNAPPED" for which one team tied up and duct taped the mouth of one of their members and threw her in a trunk or another team that "CHOKED (pretended of course) a CHICKEN". All in all it was a ton of fun and the 78 pictures are a riot to browse through and what better way to end a fun day like that? With good friends getting together for dinner and a birthday cake shaped like a tube of K-Y Jelly.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Babysitting Baby McBreasty

My good friend Chesty McBreasty found herself in a bit of a pickle yesterday. She had an interview for an opportunity at work, a very sick husband and a (almost) three year old that needed someplace to hang out for a while. Being the good friend that I am I said it was no problem for me to take him for a couple of hours so she could go to her interview. After all Easton is the same age as Fuzzy and they like to play together and I like little Easton because quite frankly he is hilarious. I have three boys anyways so this would be a piece of cake with Little Bear gone to school it would be the same difference.

Since I was going to have Easton through lunch, I was going to have to feed him. Normally it would be no big deal to feed an extra kid except that Easton is practically allergic to himself but mainly milk and any and all milk products, bi-products, and ingredients. Just about anything that looks like, sounds like, smells like, reminds you of, milk (did you know there is milk in bologna?) he can not have. My solution to this was to ask Chesty the only really important question, "What can he eat from the McDonalds menu?"

Fuzzy, Wee One and I picked Easton up from his school readiness program just before lunch and headed for the drive thru at "Rotten Ronny's" (aka McDonalds). When we got home I set the three boys up with their "nutritious" lunch. Only minutes after starting lunch Easton called me over "Steecy, I pee in your chair" he said in his oddly deep voice. Stupid, stupid me. I forgot that Easton is much farther along in the whole potty training thing then we are with Fuzzy and he wears underwear but needs to be reminded and I (the person who was supposed to do the reminding) dropped the ball on this one and now I had a little boy with urine dripping from the hem of his jeans. At least I have an unending supply of boys clothes at my disposal.

After my two boys devoured their lunch and Easton nibbled a couple of fries and drank his juice (which should have been a red flag since Easton is probably the heaviest three year old I have ever lifted out of a carseat and therefore is obviously a better eater) we got our shoes on to go outside to play on the climber in the backyard. "Steecy, dose fretch fries hert my tummy" Easton told me.
"Are you ok? Do you want to stay in?"
"No I play outside with Fuzzy".
No sooner did we get outside and everyone was busy with their trucks and tractors and Easton exclaimed, "Steecy, I hava go poop!"
I grabbed him in a football hold and rushed him like a player heading for the goal line to the house. The whole time with him grunting to hold it in.

I wiped his butt after what looked (and sounded) like an awfully loose bowel movement (always a strange thing to do with someone else's child) and we headed back outside. We just got back to the climber when Easton hollered again, "Steecy, I hava go poop again!"
With him under my arm I ran for the house again. This time we were just in time. This was not looking so good. He told me his tummy hurt and he wanted to stay in the house. Fuzzy was not exactly excited with the news that we were now going to watch a movie rather than play outside and refused to take his shoes off.

After a few more trips to the bathroom and a few "Imma gunna puke" false alarms I was more than relieved to get Chesty's text message saying she was on her way and would be there to pick up Easton soon. My response, "no problem. oh, by the way, Easton has the sh@#*".

Even with all the peeing and pooping and puking false alarms both boys talked about their time together all night. I think that next time they will have a blast minus the tummy troubles.

I'm happy to report that Easton was feeling fine but that evening and rather than introducing the flu to my entire household he most likely had a snack at his school readiness program that didn't agree with him. Thank god!

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Kicking It Into Wedding Gear

Papa Bear and I's wedding is in one year (Twelve months. Fifty-two weeks. Three hundred sixty-five days) from Friday. It is high time I kick it into wedding gear and get this shindig organized and under control.

I have been dragging me feet a tiny bit. Definitely NOT because I don't totally want to marry Papa Bear but because having been through the whole wedding planning thing already once I know that it is a lot of hard work and as much fun as things like picking out dresses and stuff can be there are also the less fun things like narrowing down an overly large guest list for our "small" wedding.

My cure for my less than eager attitude was to go and put on one of those huge, overly sequined, white (or ivory, or egg shell, or diamond white, or some other form of white with a fancy name) beautiful wedding dresses to motivate me to get moving on things...the good, the bad and the ugly parts of wedding planning.

So this morning with Chesty McBreasty as my wingwoman I headed out on a mission to try on as many gowns as possible housed inside the closest boutique. After introducing Chesty to my maniacal driving habits we were on our way. Look out crinoline here we come.

We pulled into the parking lot and found ourselves in a near death experience...not near death for us but for the old lady that was very close to getting a beat down for nearly running into my beautiful Magic Pumpkin and marring it with the white paint from her buick and a very probable dent. Open your damn eyes lady, can't you see a huge orange van right in front of you?
Who knew pulling out of (NOT BACKING out of) a parking space was so difficult? Especially when there aren't ANY other cars near you except this giant orange van clearly in your view that isn't moving? Geez.

After we recovered from our (her) brush with death we headed into the shop (technically after we stood on the sidewalk for about 7 minutes waiting for the place to open). We passed through the men's side of the shop. We passed by all the black jackets and black jackets next to the black jackets and the rack of ties and stepped into "the other side". The side full of shades of white and little reflections of light gleaming from the gazillion beads that adorned the dozens of dresses resting on the racks.

The first set of dresses were selected and we were off to the races. The very first dress went quite well. I had fears that I would look square like I do in my regular clothes. Before I had children, when I was young and super thin I was square like a teenage boy and now that I have had three children and become addicted to Iced Cappuccinos with extra cream I still look like a square...well more like a squishy wider box...kind of like Spongebob Squarepants. Anyway, I did not look like a square or a squishy box in the dress. I looked thin and...non square. My boobs were forced up by the shape of the bust (and the fact that the dress was a size too small and EVERYTHING was either forced up or down. Overall not too bad....and on to the next one.

For the most part most of the dresses looked pretty damn good and I am now convinced that I MUST add a corset to my wardrobe because wow! Things just look a whole lot better bound up with three feet of reinforced ribbon. Chesty, who had come along to be "brutal honest" was not really at all brutal. In fact much to my surprise she actually had a lot of nice things to say about how I looked in the dresses so it must have been going as well as I thought. Though some of the dresses were pretty tight so the lack of oxygen to my brain may have caused me to miss any brutal comments while trying to stay conscience.

There were a few dresses that did not receive a thumbs up. There was the giant sweetheart neck lined one (*I apologize to any fashionistas that may have stumbled across my blog that I may not use or even know the proper terminology for certain things. Please don't stone me). I'm pretty sure I could have stuffed the chest of that dress with 10 pin bowling balls and it still wouldn't have looked full. There were a few others with side roushing and terribly gaudy appliques that didn't score well either. Then there was the cute, but about three or four sizes too small dress that was really hard to imagine with a nice fit when you were distracted by the exaggerated belly rolls, back fat and...a TAIL! Pretty sure that wasn't there before I put the dress on so I think I'm just going to pass on that one too.

By the end of the trip we had narrowed things down to a top five. A really nice dress with lace overlay and detachable underskirt (very cool. It was like two dresses in one), another one with lace overlay but with a corset back (that made me go from a size ten to a size six when tied up), one with a very pretty beaded bust and side roushing, a very basic but flattering gown that would require that the very annoying frill that tickles my ears be removed and the waist minimizing dress with the dropped waist, horizontal roushing and the extremely distracting appliques that would also need to be removed including the one on the rear of the dress nicely placed just south of my butt hole that looked as though it had been pooped (no I did not misspell popped) there.

Overall it was a very productive trip. I found five really super gowns, got a bit of an ego boost and got the much needed motivation to kick it into wedding gear. Now I just need to talk to Papa Bear about the budget to see if I need to narrow my five choices down farther. :)