Saturday, September 5, 2009

Kicking It Into Wedding Gear

Papa Bear and I's wedding is in one year (Twelve months. Fifty-two weeks. Three hundred sixty-five days) from Friday. It is high time I kick it into wedding gear and get this shindig organized and under control.

I have been dragging me feet a tiny bit. Definitely NOT because I don't totally want to marry Papa Bear but because having been through the whole wedding planning thing already once I know that it is a lot of hard work and as much fun as things like picking out dresses and stuff can be there are also the less fun things like narrowing down an overly large guest list for our "small" wedding.

My cure for my less than eager attitude was to go and put on one of those huge, overly sequined, white (or ivory, or egg shell, or diamond white, or some other form of white with a fancy name) beautiful wedding dresses to motivate me to get moving on things...the good, the bad and the ugly parts of wedding planning.

So this morning with Chesty McBreasty as my wingwoman I headed out on a mission to try on as many gowns as possible housed inside the closest boutique. After introducing Chesty to my maniacal driving habits we were on our way. Look out crinoline here we come.

We pulled into the parking lot and found ourselves in a near death experience...not near death for us but for the old lady that was very close to getting a beat down for nearly running into my beautiful Magic Pumpkin and marring it with the white paint from her buick and a very probable dent. Open your damn eyes lady, can't you see a huge orange van right in front of you?
Who knew pulling out of (NOT BACKING out of) a parking space was so difficult? Especially when there aren't ANY other cars near you except this giant orange van clearly in your view that isn't moving? Geez.

After we recovered from our (her) brush with death we headed into the shop (technically after we stood on the sidewalk for about 7 minutes waiting for the place to open). We passed through the men's side of the shop. We passed by all the black jackets and black jackets next to the black jackets and the rack of ties and stepped into "the other side". The side full of shades of white and little reflections of light gleaming from the gazillion beads that adorned the dozens of dresses resting on the racks.

The first set of dresses were selected and we were off to the races. The very first dress went quite well. I had fears that I would look square like I do in my regular clothes. Before I had children, when I was young and super thin I was square like a teenage boy and now that I have had three children and become addicted to Iced Cappuccinos with extra cream I still look like a square...well more like a squishy wider box...kind of like Spongebob Squarepants. Anyway, I did not look like a square or a squishy box in the dress. I looked thin and...non square. My boobs were forced up by the shape of the bust (and the fact that the dress was a size too small and EVERYTHING was either forced up or down. Overall not too bad....and on to the next one.

For the most part most of the dresses looked pretty damn good and I am now convinced that I MUST add a corset to my wardrobe because wow! Things just look a whole lot better bound up with three feet of reinforced ribbon. Chesty, who had come along to be "brutal honest" was not really at all brutal. In fact much to my surprise she actually had a lot of nice things to say about how I looked in the dresses so it must have been going as well as I thought. Though some of the dresses were pretty tight so the lack of oxygen to my brain may have caused me to miss any brutal comments while trying to stay conscience.

There were a few dresses that did not receive a thumbs up. There was the giant sweetheart neck lined one (*I apologize to any fashionistas that may have stumbled across my blog that I may not use or even know the proper terminology for certain things. Please don't stone me). I'm pretty sure I could have stuffed the chest of that dress with 10 pin bowling balls and it still wouldn't have looked full. There were a few others with side roushing and terribly gaudy appliques that didn't score well either. Then there was the cute, but about three or four sizes too small dress that was really hard to imagine with a nice fit when you were distracted by the exaggerated belly rolls, back fat and...a TAIL! Pretty sure that wasn't there before I put the dress on so I think I'm just going to pass on that one too.

By the end of the trip we had narrowed things down to a top five. A really nice dress with lace overlay and detachable underskirt (very cool. It was like two dresses in one), another one with lace overlay but with a corset back (that made me go from a size ten to a size six when tied up), one with a very pretty beaded bust and side roushing, a very basic but flattering gown that would require that the very annoying frill that tickles my ears be removed and the waist minimizing dress with the dropped waist, horizontal roushing and the extremely distracting appliques that would also need to be removed including the one on the rear of the dress nicely placed just south of my butt hole that looked as though it had been pooped (no I did not misspell popped) there.

Overall it was a very productive trip. I found five really super gowns, got a bit of an ego boost and got the much needed motivation to kick it into wedding gear. Now I just need to talk to Papa Bear about the budget to see if I need to narrow my five choices down farther. :)