Grrrrrr....Cougars

No, I am not talking about the large cat that lives in the wild. I am talking about a whole other species of animal...older ladies that are trying to live 20+ years younger than they are. They think they are young, hip and reeking of sex appeal.

You know the ones. They are the ones that wear too much make up and use too much hairspray. They wear tight fitting, loud clothing most commonly in some sort of animal print. They paint their nails in bright colours and wear huge gaudy jewelery. They hit on much younger men and spend too much time in tanning beds.

These are the kinds of ladies that own a dozen jars of wrinkle cream that they smear on their laugh lines and crows feet religiously trying to turn back the hands of time. Sorry ladies but you can resurrect a dinosaur either.

There should be some rules for these cougars;

1. you may not shop in the junior section.
2. You may not borrow clothing from your daughter/granddaughter.
3. Leather is what your boots should be made from not your face.
4. Animals are the only ones that should really be wearing animal prints.
5. Bigger is not always better.
6. Bikinis should not be worn by anyone over the age of 40.
7. Just say no to miniskirts after 35.
8. When it comes to accessories, less is more
9. You should not date anyone that who's age is less than yours divided by 2 or more.
10.Make up does not need more than 1 coat...you are not painting a house.


If these ladies would just simply follow these rules the rest of us might stop staring in disbelief that you actually left your houses like that.

Pale is the New Tan

Red or White. These are the only 2 colours my skin ever turns. Usually just white but sometimes in the summer I am "lucky" enough to get some colour and it's red instead of a nice golden brown.

I have never had a tan. Ever. Not even when my former mother in law bought me a gift certificate to the tanning salon. So in order to save my self the pain of red I try to prevent getting burnt. I'm not always successful. Like today, I not only wore my SPF 50 but also sat in the shade to watch a baseball game and still managed to burn.

I'm not asking for a hardcore dark brown, half Jamaican looking mega tan. Just a little sun kissed so my pasty white legs don't glow in the dark. I'm not sure which is worse, those over tanned leather looking people or my super bright caper the ghost like legs.

In the winter months my pastiness is not really an issue to me. However when summer comes around I would love nothing more than to wear a cute little sundress or Bermuda shorts but I refrain to preserve the eyesight of the people I may reflect a glare at from my super white skin.

I guess I could just stop shaving my legs and the hair would help cut down on the glare but I'm thinking that won't be very pretty with a sundress either. There is also the option of self tanner. Great idea but have you ever seen one of those people that have applied that stuff to their skin? They almost always have a definite orange ting to their body and streaks where they didn't get the lotion rubbed in well enough. Or nice tanned.....palms? Yeah, that looks natural.

I have accepted my paleness as just a fact of life and have adapted by avoiding cute little sundresses and Bermuda shorts and embraced summer attire that includes mostly capris. I also try to avoid wearing a bathing suit anywhere besides my in laws backyard pool. I might as well learn to live with it and try to pretend that pale is the new tan rather than cry about it. At least I will never have to worry about looking like an old leather purse or a dried out raisin when I hit middle age.