Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Granny Grouch-a-lot

When I grow old I am going to be a Granny Grouch-a-lot. You know them. Those cranky old ladies that torture the rest of us in the grocery store and such places.

I am going to walk around with forgotten curlers and hair combs randomly sticking out of my hair. I'm going to count out $2.48 in all pennies in the long line at the grocery store.

I'm going to go to the local Donut Shack and order a "brown" donut and then after the person behind the counter names off every brownish coloured donut on the shelf I'm going to point to a muffin and say that is the one I was talking about. I'm going to buy the cheapest item off a restraunt menu and then complain about the price.

I'm going to give crappy Christmas gifts just to watch my grandkids fumble with an appropriate comment and thank me as if I had given them the latest and greatest video game. I'm going to pinch cheeks and wear a gallon of the strongest floral purfume you can buy for under $5 a bottle.

I'm going to talk about the weather as if anyone cares and how much cheaper things were "back in the day". I'm going to tell my grandkids that children never did this or that when I was young and always listened to their parents.

I'm going to drive super slow where it is impossible for people to pass me and park using 2 spots. I'm going to drive the longest car I can find and let my little nasty dog sit on a pillow on the passager seat. I'm going to have a crocheted blanket folded across my backseat to protect it from wear.

I'm going to share with random strangers my many aches and pains. I'm going to describe for them my bowel problems and how important bran is to my diet. I'm going to tell them how many different medications I am on and the side effects of each.

I'm going to run into people with shopping carts and hit them with my cane "by accident". I'm going to fart loudly in public and act as if I didn't hear anything.

I'm going to wear the boldest coloured/printed outfits and wear big cheap looking bead necklaces. I'm going to wear a ring on every finger and earring that are too heavy for my ears.

I'm going to do all these things and it will be ok because people will still say "when you get to be that age you have the right to be a little grouchy".